last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
