is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize
