I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
