ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
