Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
