Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
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