The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
