i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
Vodka?
Forever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
