When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
