Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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