Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
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