Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
Randomize
