Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
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