I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
So much rum. So many feels.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
