mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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