when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
