I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
