you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
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