Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
