i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
