oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
