I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Randomize
