only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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