I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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