just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
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