You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
