yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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