no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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