so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Pants are for mortals
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
