The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
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