Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
