You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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