So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
