Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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