whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
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