I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Randomize
