I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
