he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
