Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
