Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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