my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
