he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
