The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Is it penis luge time yet?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
