He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I'm like, not good at living.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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