also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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