hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
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