So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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