i need an iv and a liver transplant
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
