My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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