i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
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