I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
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